If your ass is a Chinese restaurant
I'll have the poo-poo platter

My friend Jerry Vandergrift
Kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads
In the locker room Kicked my ass

I said guys I'm like you
I like monster trucks too
Wanna see how many
Push-ups I can do

I just wish I was queer
So I could get chicks
Dig guys that are gueer
Guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

But if I were handsome
Just imagine how
Great it would be

Incognito as a gay though
But not actually that way
Though pseudo homo phony

Maybe it's a stupid theory
Or maybe just stupidity

But if I was a queerbee
In the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model
Would be easy

'Cause super model means voluptuous
But also is synonymous with super dumb
Ya see I'd be a good listener
So she'd treat me like a sister
And soon I'd become

That trusted friend that cares
That rubs her back and braids her hair
No, it wouldn't take a week
Before I'm in her underwear

I wish I was queer
So I could get chicks
dig guys that are queer
Guys that don't dig chicks
That don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

Doesn't matter what I'm packin'
In my denim
It's what's in my genes

The only smoked meat
The only sausage I would eat
Is made by Jimmy Dean

See I'm not to keen
On the smell of Vaseline
No, I'm not Princess Di
And I don't wanna be a queen

I just wish I was queer
So I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay
I'd have to change my name
To Dirk or Lewis

Hang out with my mom's hair stylist
His name is Kip
He's got a lisp
He talks like this

And wear my mother's lingerie
Learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode
And avant garde ballet

I wish I was queer
so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly