Backside melts into the sofa
My world, my TV, and my food
Besides listening to my belly gurgle
Ain't much else to do

Yeah, I sweat a lot
Pants fall down
Every time I bend over
And my feet itch

Yeah, I married a scarecrow

I hate you
Talkin' to myself
Everybody's starin' at me
I'm only bleedin'

Someone taps me on the shoulder
Every five minutes
Nobody speaks english anymore
Would anyone tell me
If I was gettin' stupider

I hate you
Talkin' to myself
You don't feel it after awhile
You take the beating

I'm a swingin' guy
Throw a belt over
The shower curtain rod
And swing

Toss me inside a hefty
And put me in the ground

A drink needs me, I don't
I ain't about to guzzle no tears
So kiss my ass

Newscasters
Cockroaches
And desserts

I hate you
Talkin' to myself
Everybody's starin' at me
I'm only bleedin'

Where're the kids
I don't know
Maybe they're pregnant
Or on drugs
Or on welfare
On top of the world
On the honor roll
On parole
On the Dodgers
On the back of milk cartons
On stakes in the middle of corn fields
On covers of future history books
On old lady's mantles
Walkin' on water
Nailed on crosses

I think it's time I had a talk with my kids
I'll just tell 'em what my daddy told me
You ain't never gonna amount to nothin'